yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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