If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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