Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
