wanna go halves on a baby?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
