I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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