I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
