I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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