Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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