Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
