sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
