Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
