So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
