I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
