oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
