I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
