he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
