just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
