I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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