If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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