Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize