I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
