I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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