shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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