for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
