One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
