We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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