so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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