I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
