After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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