Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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