my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
