I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
