My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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