my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
