...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
