god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize