the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Four minutes until I can fart!
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
