nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I'm determined to sit on that face.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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