i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
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