Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
