This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
