My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize