the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize