The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
