Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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