half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
