Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
