I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Randomize
