I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
