Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize