if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Less talking, more tequila
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
