is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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