I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
