I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
