so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Randomize
