Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
